I’ve known for a while that I need to write, but honestly, lately I haven’t felt that I’ve had what it takes for me to put out a post I think has value to myself or anyone else. It could have something to do with the sleep deprivation, or the hormones, or a combination of the two. However, I’m almost 2 weeks into being a mom of 2 and it seems like as good a time as any to post an update.
Adalind’s birth was simpler than Carson’s, but the recovery has been more difficult. IT’s also strange when the symptoms feel big to me, but not to the doctor. At some point, there’s discouragement in even reaching out anymore. So, I’ve been managing at home with what I have and we’ll continue to see what happens.
She is the sweetest baby. She occasionally has some issues with gas which causes her to cry, and rightfully so. But we’re figuring that out too, and ultimately she’s been a joy to take care of. I mean it – so far we’ve been graced with a very laid back, sweet tempered kiddo. We got very lucky – I don’t know what that means for the future but I’m trying really hard to be present in the moment. I can get wrapped up in only having 6 weeks off with her compared to the 12 I had with Carson, or I can just enjoy every day and not fret about what I’m going to be like when I have to go back to work.
Andrew is working nights now. It is harder to feel lonely at night than it is to feel lonely during the day. There’s something about sunshine that is soothing to the soul, even when I’m lonely. Nighttime is not conducive to being alone with anyone’s thoughts – so I’m trying to keep our awake times short and quiet. I also have music nearby, which helps. A sound machine has also helped keep her asleep while we try to switch her days and nights.
Andrew is an amazing dad and being a dad to two kids has been a seamless transition for him. He has endless patience with the kids, and with me, and would do anything for our family. He goes to class for 3 hours, and then straight to work for 10 hours, and then comes home and helps get Carson ready for daycare. He constantly tries to put us before himself, and succeeds the majority of the time. I am so grateful for his partnership – I can’t imagine doing this with anyone else.
Carson seems to be handling it ok. At first he was very clingy and needy, as one would expect, and I may have gone overboard in only paying attention to him, when it was him or the baby. Thankfully there was always someone else here to cater to her, so I could give him my full attention. That is starting to balance out, and although he does insist on sitting in my lap when I have Adalind in my arms, it is less demanding than before, and he interacts with her fairly regularly. He wants to help and give her things, and share with her, which I think are all good things. We are not forcing her on him. We’re not making him say hi, or kiss/hug her, or acknowledge her at all. We want it to be completely on his terms, in his own time. I don’t want him to resent her or us, and forcing relationships on people, including children, is a good way to start a resentment.
Parenting is hard. I still haven’t figured out how to get Carson from daycare with Adalind – she’s so little I don’t want to pass her around the folks at the daycare yet, but I can’t leave her in the car. So far, someone has been able to be home to help. I haven’t had to load both kids into the car alone, or do mealtime alone, or any of those things yet. I’m sure when the time comes it’ll be fine, and I’ve been praying more in the past two weeks than I have in the past few months, which helps. Fear is still alive and present in my life but thankfully it is further down on the list, after lots of positives.
It’s difficult to raise children and be assertive and insist on what’s best for them, to strangers or friends or family. It means doing the uncomfortable thing when it’s the right thing, no matter what. I want to raise kind, thoughtful, caring children who know that they are loved and who can process thoughts and emotions without internalizing them or stuffing them down. And if some of that is inevitable, hopefully it isn’t their only way of managing things in their lives. I spent my whole life avoiding some of my very basic emotions, and I want to do what I can to give them the opportunity to not have to do that. I think that makes sense – it’s late and I’m tired.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine and Community have been getting me through this maternity leave, so far Brooklyn Nine-Nine is the clear winner. It is close to overtaking Psych as my favorite show. Idk if that will ever actually happen, it may just continue to get closer and closer without ever actually crossing over to number 1. We’ll see. Community is good also but I am less invested in the characters. Abed is who I root for 98% of the time. I suspect that’s the case for most people, as he’s the most likable.
I’m just trying to give myself some grace, and reach out to people for help. So many have already come over with food and offers for assistance with little things like picking up the house, taking out the trash, dropping by with snacks, and they all add up to big things. I’m grateful for delivery options of all sorts. I’m thankful for my meetings and my sponsor, who help keep me sane. I need to start trying more daily to do something I enjoy, whether that’s read or listen to an audiobook or something like that. Maybe next week. Overall we’re in a good place, and I’m thankful for that.