Man. Life has hit us pretty hard the past couple months. It’s made us grateful for supportive family and friends, good sponsors and the ability to forgive each other for all the little things. I lost my job in November, my last day being December 14. I started working in a temporary position on Jan 2, and it’s been great. I like the people and the work. However, it goes through April, until baby #2 is here. Then, I honestly don’t know what is next after taking some time with her. That uncertainty is enough to make me sick to my stomach and keep me up at night. It’s a test in faith, I can tell you. Some days I feel ok, other days I feel panicked. We have a contingency plan in the event I don’t get employment as quickly as we need after “maternity leave” but it isn’t ideal, and it doesn’t remove the fear as the future is unknown. And I get it, the future is always unknown. We only have right now. I am trying to embrace that and live every day as such. This will be the last time that I’m pregnant, and I’m trying to enjoy it. The work I’m doing is important but not nearly as stressful as my previous job. I dunno you guys, I am excited about our little girl on the way and I am simultaneously really scared about adding another member to our family when our financial situation is so indeterminate. Also, to maintain the standard of living we currently have, i.e. bills and living expenses, I have a certain salary I need to bring home, which limits my choices and also makes it more challenging and stressful to find a job. At this point, I’ve slowed down on applying. Now that I’m at this company I feel like I need to stay through April, have this baby, and then try to find another company to begin a new path in. I’m trying to turn this over to God every day. Sometimes I forget in the morning and it’s 3 hours later and I have to try it then. Other times my grip on it just tightens outside my control. I’m hopeful for the day when I can just trust that everything will work out, and have some serenity.

I will say that our holidays were lovely – even with this hanging over our heads, we had an excellent time with family and friends, and we haven’t lost sight of the gratitude we have for the things we currently have in our lives. Even with that, I have to give myself the grace to not be ok, and know that eventually, this will be in the past, and hopefully I can look back on it and know that I walked through it with some dignity and grace.

A Lesson in Being Present

I have a mom update that’s fairly difficult to share. Hopefully, someone will relate or at least be motivated to do some work.

Carson choked earlier this month. I’m still struggling with flashbacks, and guilt, and fear. I saw him choking and panicked – I was so terrified, I picked him up and started hitting his back, with no idea what I was actually supposed to do. Thank God Andrew’s mom was with us and knew. I just panicked.

I realized how woefully unprepared I was when it comes to medically taking care of my child’s life. When the food finally came out, and he started breathing again, I burst into tears. I walked to the bathroom and tried to calm down. To her credit, my mother-in-law was very kind to me. It was the night before our honeymoon, and so I felt even worse leaving him for 5 days.

It seemed like, in a moment, life without him flashed before my eyes. I never believed that was a thing until then, just like I never believed that seeing red in anger was true until it happened to me. I felt like I’d collapse. Since then, I’ve had moments that I’ve felt overwhelmed with the fear of his loss, where the thoughts of life without him invade the present and completely take over. I hope eventually these moments of crippling anxiety and fear and grief and shame about what happened will go away. I’ve been assured they will. In the meantime, I’m trying to focus on what I can control. I’m going to take a first aid and CPR class. I’m putting my phone away when we have time together, and I try to enjoy every moment, even when he’s fussy. I sit with him and let him be upset, I hold him while he cries and do what I can to make it better, even when sometimes all I can do is let him cry and tuck him in to bed. Tonight he was sweet and happy, and I was so grateful to read him the same book a million times, to smell his hair, hear him read, giggle with him, and help him learn how to use his spoon. He fills my heart up.

I hope I never forget that, in an instant things can change, without any warning, and to enjoy things in the moment. Ultimately, that’s all we have. One moment. This one. It seems like, since the beginning of September, things in my world have been in a constant state of change – some good, some not so great, some painful, some scary. Eventually everything will settle back down, and life will cruise along in the middle of the road again. Until then, I’m working hard to see the positive of everything I can, and reaching out to people who can remind me what those positives are, when I can’t figure it out on my own.

Monday night let down

I’m upset tonight. It took me a while to figure out why, but now I have, and I have no immediate solution.

Andrew and I get limited time with Carson, and look forward to evenings with him. He was so tired after daycare that he couldn’t stay up, and while he was awake he was a fussy, unhappy baby. I wish I intuitively knew how to handle those moments, but usually I just walk away feeling like I could’ve handled “it” better, whatever it happens to be. Then I read about different ways to handle whatever it was, which ultimately makes me feel worse.  To be fair, I’m also mentally fried and emotionally drained, but I think were that not the case, I’d still feel worse.

I was just disappointed tonight. Our time was cut short by 45 minutes because he didn’t get enough daytime sleep. I just want to spend all the time I can with my kiddo. I panic when I think about how he’s being disciplined when we’re not around, and it gives me anxiety to not know. I know it’s irrational, but it’s where I am in this motherhood journey. I just want to be around him all the time, and I still get emotional when I think about all of the things I miss while I’m at work. I understand it’s necessary to be a working mom, I just, days like today I really miss him. Silly? Yes. But also true.

Parenting Win

Parenting is becoming more of a challenge the more Carson grows, as you might expect. It is so fun to watch him figure things out. It’s also a pain, because he just pushes the limits over, and over, and over. He’ll touch something, I’ll say no thank you, that’s not for babies, and he’ll either take his hand off and go somewhere else, or put it back and look at me to see if he’ll get the same response.

To his credit, after he’s done this a few times and I’ve gotten up to redirect his attention, it is rare that he’ll do it again. He really, really wants to mess with the dials on the grill. We watch him stand there, staring longingly at it, swinging his arms back and forth, before he turns around and entertains himself elsewhere. I’m so proud in those moments. I’m astonished that he remembers without us saying anything, and that he actually makes a decision on his own to do something else. I understand that he won’t do that every time, but the fact that he does it at all makes me happy.

He has also gotten in the habit of throwing himself down on the floor in a tantrum because he gets told no, or asked to go to a different room, or because I opened the fridge. Doesn’t matter really. Usually we don’t play into this, because if we don’t, he stops. Usually. Sometimes it’s hard not to giggle a little, because he’s just so cute even when he’s mad, but body language is so important so I try hard not to. But when he picks up one of his spoons and chucks it down the stairs to see what I’ll do, I’m telling you, I struggle not to laugh. I also get a fit soon after, because he can’t go down the stairs on his own and I won’t retrieve his spoon.

So, overall yes, we are lucky that our kid is mostly well-behaved. We are grateful that, as of now, there are more times when he listens than when he doesn’t. We are also in full-on toddler temper-tantrum mode, and Andrew and I have done an excellent job of not reacting, or yelling, or anything. There are many days where I don’t feel adequate as a mom, like yesterday. That is of my own making, and no one else’s. Then there are days like today, where I feel like we’re doing a good job at this whole parenting thing.

Toddler Phases – Throwing Food – Hooray!

There are so many ways to discipline children, to teach children, to feed them, to nurture them. So many that say you should do it this way or that.

Andrew and I don’t want to be parents who yell or scold our child for going through normal, natural phases in life. Throwing and hitting as a toddler is normal – he’s trying to figure out big emotions and he doesn’t know how to let them out, so he throws or hits. Rather than yelling at him or scolding him, saying NO in a loud voice, etc, we’d rather try something different. Ultimately, I know that sometimes, the only way to get through to a kiddo is for a voice to boom. But I want my child to know that having big emotions is ok. “I understand you’re angry, but I can’t let you hit” is an example of what I’m talking about. “I see that you’re upset and that’s ok, but we don’t throw things”. And the like.

I’m sure there are parents out there laughing at me. I’m sure they’re saying, that will never work. I just know that for a long time when I was a kid, I did not feel like I was allowed to be angry or upset. No matter what I did in those moments, it was not ok to do so. I’m still figuring out how to be angry and upset. I’m 33. So, no matter how silly or ridiculous it might seem, Andrew and I are willing to at least try something different.

Currently, Carson is in love with throwing food off of his high chair. A little research tells me that the reaction he gets from us is half the fun. Well, great. So, we’ve been telling him no all this time, and it’s clearly not been working. Our next attempt at combating the food throwing is to get him a chair that we can pull up to the table, to eliminate his ability to view the floor, and feel more a part of. He loves to sit on our laps and eat, so it isn’t always that he’s full. Sometimes it is – he’s normally quite clear when he’s done eating.

I’m not sure what the next parenting days, weeks and years will bring. I’m sure there will be days where I laugh at myself and my goals and ideas. Today I just want to put in the effort to try to do things differently, and see what happens.

Letting Go of Fear

I’ve had a bit of a writer’s block lately. I’m not sure if it’s something to do with the summer, or just an increased workload, or the large amount of changes that have happened in a short amount of time, but every time I’ve sat down to write something, I’ve deleted everything. I’m simultaneously the happiest I’ve been in a long time and also a little bit sad.

I’m definitely entering a new season. I made an important adjustment in my personal life, which directly affected the friendships I had around me. I knew it would. I attempted to prepare myself for it – although when it actually happened I was surprised at what a surprise it turned out to be. It’s been good though – I’ve had to get out of myself, and put my hand out again. Reach out to people and begin to re-establish relationships that I’d cut off, for whatever reason, intentional or not. It’s shown me that sometimes, the right thing to do is let go. It’s shown me that humility is important, that an apology must have meaning, and that people have a large capacity for forgiveness. I’ve also had to learn how to pray. How to really pray. How to mean what I say when I pray. I’ve had to relinquish control, over and over again. I’ve had to acknowledge that having no control means being free of the misguided thoughts I have about the correlation between maintaining control and finding happiness.

It isn’t easy. Finances are big area of my life that I struggle with turning over to the god of my understanding. I just feel like I need to be super analytical and hypersensitive to all spending, and if I behave that way then we’ll be fine, yet in the same day can say, screw it lets go to Target. Therein lies my problem – as I’ve been told recently. I’m attempting to find human solutions to spiritual problems. I’d never heard that before. Not once in 7 years. And maybe I’d been told that but it didn’t sink in, however now it has, and it’s got me wondering what life would be like if I could just align myself with the person I think god would want me to be. Instead of constantly battling myself, I would surrender instead. I wonder what that would be like. I can surrender pieces, or fully surrender in moments, but it’s not very long-lasting, and I’m constantly fighting some sort of internal battle.

I don’t want to be a person who is mean, or judgmental, or rude, or dishonest. I don’t want to be cold, or unapproachable. I behave that way in my most insecure moments, when I’m vulnerable and afraid. I don’t want to live that way. I want to be someone who is kind, and thoughtful, and loving, and asily approachable. I also want to be someone who lives by my values. I don’t want to be so afraid of how a person will react that I’m unable to speak truth that may be difficult to hear. I don’t want to be so afraid of how a person will react that I don’t stand up for the well-being of my son or my husband. I don’t want to be so afraid of how a person will react that I don’t give myself the time and space I need to take care of myself.

I don’t want to live my life ruled by fear anymore.

That means I need to start taking a lot of different actions, which I’ve already begun doing. It means surrounding myself with people who want to grow. I know that I’m never going to be 100% sunshine and rainbows. Everyone gets pissed off and has to vent or gossip, spend too much money or eat two different desserts after dinner. Humanity means imperfection. I’m thankful for that. But recently I’ve been striving towards being better, which sure as hell beats sitting around, wishing for things to change. I’ve been trying to build a relationship with my god, and I can tell that it’s making a difference. Growth is hard. There’s no denying that. I also know I have a long way to go. Today I’m just grateful I’m on my way.

Summertime Lessons

Summer so far has been crazy. Here’s what I’m learning:

Giggles are gold

One person cannot make everyone happy

What works one day may not work the next

Baby clothes do not last long

Watching Andrew chase Carson through the house is one of my favorite things

Everyone is human, and nothing more than that

Illness needs to be taken seriously, or my body will do that for me

Faith is learned

Having a voice is vital to adulting

Principled direction leads to principled action

Carson loves to swim

Getting plugged in with good people makes me want to be better

My parenting method my own, in conjunction with Andrew, and that’s ok

Carson will do everything in his own time

I’m always grateful for a full night’s sleep

Settling into Motherhood

Let me just start off by saying that I research everything. EVERYTHING. Restaurants, sock brands, diaper pails, daycares, movies, “facts” on social media, new scientific discoveries, historical moments, the best way to treat a piercing, or a sunburn, or face redness, the best places to visit on a budget, hotels, cars, people, seriously you name it, I’m going to look it up. If I’m interested, which is more often than not. I can’t get jazzed about sports teams, but that’s really the only thing that is glaringly obvious.

So, why am I sharing with you my love for all things research? Because it has saved my ass more than once. Or twice. I wish that everyone did more research. I wish that instead of blindly sharing posts on Facebook and taking them as fact, that more people would look up information on the topic to see if the post is accurate, or true, or even real. There are some things I’ve researched that have made situations worse, not better (what does labor feel like – yikes) but overall, research is our friend.

When I was pregnant, every week was something new to research. What does baby look like this week? How big is baby? What symptoms come with this week? Always something new and mostly great things. The further along I got in my pregnancy the more my research shifted. What’s normal for babies at x age? What should I be doing with my 1 month old? How do I create a positive learning environment at home? How do I know if my kid is happy? What does autism look like? How do I get baby to sleep comfortably? How do I know when his bottle needs a new nipple size? (let’s get real, I didn’t even know there were sizes for quite some time) What is the best baby carrier? What do I do if my baby doesn’t like being carried in a carrier? I mean, it just got so ridiculous. In this case, research was not my friend. I was constantly bullying myself about my abilities as a parent, and in doing so I created an environment for myself where trusting my gut was not sufficient. I had to research.

I believe that women who have children are gifted with a sense about their child/children. I didn’t believe that before I had Carson. I didn’t believe it before then – and I don’t think all women have it, as all women don’t have the desire to have kids. For a while, I was one of those women. And I had no motherly instincts. I would argue that when we first brought Carson home, I still didn’t. Except, it took no time at all to learn how he wanted to be held, how he slept most comfortably, when he was hungry, tired or hot. What I didn’t know was that I would know. Does that make sense? I robbed myself of settling into motherhood.

Let’s be clear. Having a child did not make me some guru. It didn’t give me all the answers to life’s mysteries and there were plenty of situations that made me go “WTF?!” such as projectile vomiting and, well, I don’t need to go on. I reached out all the time for help from our parents, from the pediatrician (so patient, love him) and from my friends who are moms.

I think my concern when he was born was two-fold. One, I didn’t want to fail him as a mom, and two, I didn’t want to lose being me when I became a mom. I didn’t know that by desiring to take care of him and give him all the good things I can, it already meant I wasn’t failing him. That by asking for help, I wasn’t failing him. That by having him, instead of losing who I was, I grew into a new version of me, with all my old pieces, plus this new wonderful, scary, exciting, beautiful, lovely aspect of my life. My heart grew the day we met him. More than I ever believed it could.

I don’t believe anyone who says motherhood is immediately easy. It was not for me. But the more practice I get, the more he grows and the more we learn, the more fun it is, and while we still have challenges, more and more I have faith in my abilities as his mom. And I know that when I doubt, I have all the help I need.

Baby Sleep Consultant

Being a parent is one of the most rewarding things I’ve ever done, but honestly, it’s so hard. This little person counts on us for everything. In those early days, when it was eat, sleep, diaper change, repeat, it felt like we’d never find a groove. We just assumed Carson would sleep great in the bassinet we’d gotten. Well, we were wrong, and I sat for a long, miserable 24 hours on the couch fighting sleep, trying to nurse, holding our baby. We were wrapped in one of those giant pregnancy pillows, which helped with feeling safe, but this was not a sustainable plan.

I did a lot of research, and we ended up using a Rock ‘n Play, which was a great solution for our family. Then the day came when I saw our baby’s sweet little feet dangling over the edge of his little bed. He was 5 ½ months old. He wasn’t going to fit in the Rock ‘n Play much longer, and we had no back-up plan. Every time we had previously put our kiddo in the crib, he fussed and cried and would not go down. We tried multiple ways to get him to sleep, but nothing worked.

I recalled an article on KETV about Kelly Robson who was helped parents learn how to teach their babies to sleep. I thought it was worth a shot, so I looked her up, found her Baby Bliss Consulting business website, and called her. So glad I did!

When Kelly showed up, we took Carson upstairs right away and she showed us what to do. She was very friendly and warm, and we trusted her right away. We got to help our son learn how to self-soothe without creating crutches that would prevent him from going to sleep without us. We made minor changes to the techniques Kelly taught us, to fit our baby, and were quickly able to help him sleep. The first few nights were a challenge, and Andrew and I had to take turns with him when he cried, but using her techniques we always got him back to sleep. After about a week, he slept without a fuss. When we called Baby Bliss Consulting, I didn’t realize we’d get a great sleeper almost right away.

Being a parent is hard, but asking for help has been one of the greatest gifts I’ve learned how to do. Kelly Robson with Baby Bliss Consulting was a huge help and I’d recommend her to anyone. She came up with a schedule that worked with our family of early risers that we were able to integrate into his daily routine, at home or at daycare. If you’re interested in reaching out to her, I’ve included her website and phone number below. If you’re thinking about it at all, don’t hesitate. We should’ve called sooner. Working with her has been great, and we have people tell us how amazing it is that our kiddo goes to bed and naps so well. We absolutely credit Baby Bliss Consulting!

Baby Bliss Consulting
https://babyblissconsulting.com/
Kelly Robson
402-210-4464
Happy sleeping!

We’re in T-R-O-U-B-L-E

Yo. It’s happened. Our precious little baby boy is walking. Like, full on walking. He still loses his balance a little and has to work hard to stay upright, but he is walking as often as he is crawling, and he is so so proud of himself. It is so sweet! And also terrifying. So now we have to put away all the things that were safe because he couldn’t reach them, and put corner bumpers on the TV stands (I don’t care what you say, I see an eye catching one of those and it makes my stomach turn).

He is still not saying much that we can understand, but that doesn’t mean that he isn’t talking. He has plenty to say! It’s really sweet. He’ll take the phone and hold it to his ear like the ladies at daycare do. He LOVES daycare and gets excited when we pull up to the building. He dances when music is on that he likes, he sings, he drums on his legs, and loves to be chased across the room. He’s in Little Voices now, and my dad takes him, and it’s the most adorable thing. Really.

He’s getting into a clingy phase which I’m guessing is normal? I quit reading the posts about where my child should be at what age. All it did was make me worry. I trust his pediatrician and I’m trying hard not to compare our journey to anyone else’s. What I know about our kiddo is that he’ll do everything in his own time and no one else’s. It’s clear when he is done with food or drink, when he wants something, when he’s tired or bored, and for now that works for us.